Abhey Gupta

Tag: Pain

  • As I Grow

    Once, I played with toys;
    now I am a toy for others.
    I loved diving into the mud;
    now I am scared of every colour.

    Life was as easy as a video game —
    and all I do now is cry;
    I lost more of myself as I grew up.

    It was all parties and joy;
    now it all shows the odds against you.
    The sleepless night before the day of the trip
    turned to sleeplessness in anger and agony.

    Laughter had no other reason; no —
    a crying devil before every fake smile.
    Hardest, once, was working hard —
    then it became working hard just to die.

    Every day was once another smile.
    I always knew the world had different faces,
    but it was never such a heavy thought
    as it is now, as I grow up.

  • A Game of Risk

    Though everything is close to me, I am at the farthest place of my own;
    though things are happy, reality is something I have learned to cherish. The constant struggle just to survive is a disguise —
    of being made a victim by your own will. But life is only a game of risk.

  • Like a Shadow

    Everywhere I go, they follow me like a shadow;
    every time I try to forgive myself, they point back at me. Every day they burn my other self, and alone, I only hope to match them…

  • He Breaks Me

    So blindly we move to act,
    and so did I —
    chasing a fleeting comfort,
    slipping, somehow, into the dark.

    It preys upon my ruin,
    leaving wounds that never close;
    I scream, I cry, I beg for help,
    but it tears me down, again and again.

    I run from him, undone,
    a crowd gathers to watch — never to help —
    and he breaks me, again and again.

    And it is never only once:
    I live it every single day —
    that face, watching me, merciless,
    while I, helpless as ever, go numb and weep.

    Facing him, again and again,
    he laughs at every tear;
    the more I break, the more he revels,
    as he draws the very life out of me.

    He plays it out; I go numb just hearing it.
    He fills my veins with his poison,
    and now I lean on him to save me —
    the one who ruins me… will he ever help?

    So strange this world is,
    so artificial, all of them;
    some have hidden from their own sanity —
    cowards, every one.
    And I…

  • Hate is Still

    A long, unsleeping night,
    a day that never sees its dawn,
    a light that never reaches its destination —
    just shades of a darker, all-too-real life.

    He is not so distant from you,
    yet a bridge still stands between you;
    he is not afraid of fate or fortune —
    but why is he so different now?

    His questions are a paranoid memory,
    needing a listener to be shared;
    control is not all that he needs.
    Is he searching for the unsaid question?

    Rise above all the bargaining and melancholy —
    darkness is all he loves now.
    You give him sorrow; he confronts it.
    At least it’s hate she is still giving him.

  • All Again Alone

    Ashes from a past of fire —
    some through my eyes, some upon old wounds.
    Unknown fragments of who I was,
    perhaps reborn somewhere,
    have begun to dominate my present.
    I justify myself — but am I really immune?

    Ciphers and deep secrets speak,
    and I am lost somewhere within them.
    It was never friendly to me —
    all this taking and throwing away,
    crossing the river, left undone at last,
    trying every effort to subdue my deeds,
    to dub over that lost ray of what came before.
    But I have shaken it off — all of it — again, alone.

  • Shall I

    You are not close to my mind —
    and my soul, perhaps, knows this is the truth.
    Nor should I hold the strength
    to chase it, or to face that truth.

    I may not be special to you,
    nor even worth a single tear.
    But this feeling of mine doesn’t care for that;
    maybe we’ll be the same again one day —
    or maybe you’ll never see my face again.

    Does any of it still matter to you?
    Inside my heart, the feeling stays,
    where you hold a forever place.
    But shall I keep living this feeling this way,
    or shall I finally break away?

    I cannot hold my tears like this.
    My life will never be the same —
    so shall I go on living even one more day?

  • न किया होता

    तन्हाई के पल से जब मिले हम,
    दिल में न जाने कहाँ एक टीस हुई।
    सोचा — प्यार की रचना किसने की?
    उस दिन तुम्हारे प्यार की याद आई।

    सोचा — किसने, कैसे, और क्यों बनाया?
    कभी ख़ुशी की बारिश होती है,
    कभी अपने ही लहू के आँसू की।
    लेकिन एक बात मेरी समझ ज़रूर आई:

    न किया होता प्यार हमने तुमसे,
    शायद ऐसे कथन तो न होते;
    यूँ रात को तन्हाई में जागे न होते,
    तुम्हारी याद में यूँ तो न रोते।

    न जाने कितने और ऐसे होंगे,
    कितने ही मेरे जैसे अकेले होंगे।
    मुझे नहीं पता, क्या होगा मेरा,
    जीवन के किस मोड़ पर जाऊँगा।

    पर यह नज़ाकत समझ तो आ गई —
    इश्क़ से बड़ी कोई सज़ा नहीं होती।
    काश हमने भी इश्क़ न किया होता,
    तन्हाई का दर्द हमें भी न होता,
    वक़्त की चोट से यूँ रूबरू न होते,
    न ही कोई हमें रुलाने वाला होता।

  • Let Me Die

    Lord, my Lord — let me sleep forever.
    Restless is my soul; let it rest forever.
    This shallow heart is more complex than ever —
    let me die, in spirit, tonight.

    I died a long time ago, in every way but body;
    now, today, let me sleep endlessly.
    Say my prayers, and remember everyone;
    let my wandering soul rest in your garden.

    A martyr I am not,
    a flower of love I do not have —
    only a boulevard of longing dreams
    that shattered my mind with a knife of panic.

    Let me rest today, completely.

  • Even With You Here

    Even with you here at night,
    I’m lost in the depths of darkness.

    No light to be seen—only the curse of pain,
    as sorrow weaves its web of solitude.

    Ecstasy rides the fresh-rain breeze,
    yet far away a tunnel of nostalgia beckons.
    My soul is snared by the monster of loneliness.

    The sun rises, banishing the night,
    yet my soul stays shrouded in confusion.

    I wish to wander through the night,
    where no one would ever know
    that I cry for you in silence.